Beverly Saves Bitegeist
I've been a little distracted of late. New dog. Magazine deadline. Impending fundraiser for the non-profit I'm engaged with as president of the Board of Directors. Oh, and let's not forget my day job - that thing that funds all my life adventures and keeps the roof over my head. Maybe distracted isn't the right word. Busy. Yeah, that's better. Call it what you will - "it" has kept me away from Bitegeist. But not to worry. My sister rode into my inbox on a white horse to save the day. Her e-mail follows. My editorial commentary is in ALL CAPS.
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Since you have been kind of slack in recent postings to entertain your readership, I have decided to take matters in to my own hands and serve as your celebrity writer. (CELEBRITY? CLEARLY SHE'S LET THIS MAYONNAISE CAKE THING GO TO HER HEAD.) Okay folks, let's get to the good stuff or, in this case, the bad stuff your parents made you eat when you were little.
- Liver - Under what circumstances would you ever force a child to eat liver? To this day, one of the most disgusting pieces of meat imaginable.
- Ferrina (I THINK SHE MEANS FARINA) sans the peach juice - I'm not sure I know what ferrina is. My guess is that it is a cousin to what you southerners refer to as grits (a perverted version of oatmeal). I don't get the grits thing either, but I loved John Wayne in True Grit.
- Catfish - Again, what method of torture is this to serve a child a fish with a face so hideous....you get the picture. (BEV, MOM NEVER FED US CATFISH.)
- Broccoli, spinach, cauliflower, and the leafy greeen vegetable saga continues - I must admit, I will eat a good asparagus if properly prepared and somewhat firm. (I'M STUNNED AND REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT UNTIL I SEE IT WITH MY OWN EYES.) I can remember many a night after sitting in front of a cold plate of yucky stuff while my dad lectured me on the starving children in Africa routine while my mother was sneaking me the all time lifesaving peanut butter sandwich. Skippy, please. I can tell the difference between cheap peanut butter and my beloved.
- Fish sticks - If God intended fish to have limbs, he would have given them feet. Ketchup doesn't help. (I'M NO EXPERT IN EVOLUTION, BUT DIDN'T MAMMALIAN FEET EVOLVE FROM FISH FINS?)
- Frickadellen - Pardon the spelling, Deb, but if I ever have to eat another one, let's just say you and I will have a come to Jesus meeting. (YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE TANTE INGRID DOESN'T COOK YOU ANY SPECIAL MEALS.)
- Rabbit - It may have been funny on Bugs Bunny as HASENPFEFFER but please don't try and pass it off as chicken. I may be a kid, but a foot long piece of meat doesn't equate to a barnyard chicken.
- Coffee ice cream - No, Mom, I can tell it's not chocolate. What insane flavorist would think a kid wants COFFEE ice cream? Yuck. (HEY, MOM, WE DIDN'T LIKE THOSE PECAN SANDIES YOU ALWAYS BOUGHT EITHER.)
- Ambrosia or whatever the hell that jello stuff is with all the fruit suspended in it - Only in the south can someone consider jello a dessert. You can tell the quality of your friends if they bring it in Tupperware.
- A pig pickin' - Seeing Wilbur gutted on a stick doesn't make me offer any SALUTATIONS to the other critters in the barn yard. God, what were you people thinking bringing kids to see a pig on a spit being cooked for consumption. (DID THAT HAPPEN? DID WE EVER GO TO A PIG PICKIN'. MY GOD, I'VE LOST HALF MY CHILDHOOD.)
That's my top ten for now. I'm saving the rest for any future lulls in your Bitegeist columns. I'm free in October.
PS: I entered my MAYONNAISE CAKE in the Southern Living Recipe Cookoff. Let's see if the editors have any class.
signed ... Queen of the Mayonnaise Cakes
(THANKS, BEV, FOR THE SUBMISSION. FOLKS, WE'LL BE BACK TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING IN NO TIME.)
deb
6 Comments
Reader Comments (6)
mine would be cow's tongue. disgusting...it was very chewy and kind of slimy, as i recall. i was told it was beef and after we all finished eating was when my father told us what we had eaten. we had arrived at this hotel in san andres late and this was all they had left over to serve us.
You know who I am.
PS-No comments about the great Schnitzels, Rouladen, and great dishes served when you are here. You are treading in serious waters. Goats eyes are around the corner.
FRICKADELLEN - that sounds like a word we'd use in West Virginia to describe something that is AWESOME. I'm going to add this to my vocabulary regardless of what it tastes like.